I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Randomize
