She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
