I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
