Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
