i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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