Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I need to calm my uterus...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
