I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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