so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
