She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Someone came in the potted fern
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
