When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
