I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
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