wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
