some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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