Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I licked your asshole in confidence.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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