she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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