I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
