Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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