I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
