can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize