put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
