my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
