You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
