Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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