He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
40s are totally the cure
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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