i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
