she takes plan B like it's going out of style
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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