The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
