last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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