Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
