Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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