Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
