I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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