I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
