Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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