Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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