Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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