sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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