man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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