He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
