Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
