Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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