Umm I'm too high to move.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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