Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Randomize
