you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
