Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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