Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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