Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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