I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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