guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
either way he was missing a nipple.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
