forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize