i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
