Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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