3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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