I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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