I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
