I want to walk on stilts...naked
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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